Hey, find that letter from your younger self.
Which version of yourself would you most recognize?
Did you ever have a primary school assignment about writing your future self a letter? Say, Dear Me in Five Years, here’s the shitty mess we’re currently in, but hopefully in five years we’ve made things a little less shitty.
I did a few of these letters, and though I have no idea where they are, I have a pretty good sense of the me they captured, like a snapshot of me stuck in time. If I could open up one of those letters, I’d see just how proud I’d have made that younger, teenage me.
But then I go back further.
I go back to the letters of me from elementary school, the me that was less caught up in social nuances and self-deprecation. A me who did nothing but dream.
I’d make that me sad.
My dreams have shallowed and narrowed. Sure, I know more. I know the challenges that come with some of those bold dreams. Astronaut, spy, author—even teacher. I know how many hurdles there are now, but.... I also know more. I can see these hurdles and know how to jump over them, but I choose to walk when my younger self couldn’t stop running.
Have my horizons thinned out? The sunsets feel shorter.
It makes me ask why, why those social hurdles my teenage self cared so much about overrode my inner child. The answer is honest: they had to. Growing up gay, learning my identity--something that hadn’t changed from those younger days--became something of social survival.
But is that what I’d wanted?
My youngest letters were about what I wanted. My older self; concerned about what others wanted for me. Safety and comfort at a detrimental price.
If we all found these younger letters, what would we often discover as we thought ourselves more “worldly”?
When we smile, do we see our smile in the mirror, or a smile shaped by others? A smile of someone we no longer recognize?
Author’s note
Things in my personal life have been feeling more existential lately. I see how much I’ve trapped myself in my mind around the expectations of others, which has put me in a situation that doesn’t leave me feeling too good. I’m breaking from these expectations and feeling the consequences. One of those is a realignment. I can see my youngest self smiling proudly again.
Please, write yourself one of these letters again. If you can, dig up an old one and uncover some lost smiles.
